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12.01.2015
Polling station during the primary election to determine the leader and candidate list of Likud party for the upcoming parliamentary elections, Jerusalem, Israel, December 31, 2014.   Source: EPA/ABIR SULTAN Polling station during the primary election to determine the leader and candidate list of Likud party for the upcoming parliamentary elections, Jerusalem, Israel, December 31, 2014. Source: EPA/ABIR SULTAN

FAQ

Israelis go to vote with a firm knowledge of what they want

First of all, they want security. The security that can only be provided by a strong party that does not give into the threats of enemies. A party that is prepared without thinking to make such an inadequate response to wicked provocations that the provocations will get upset and complain to the UN. That’s the first point.

Again, first of all, the Israelis want peace. They’re simply sick to death of constantly having to put on khaki pants and rushing off to the bomb shelter while soldiers are fighting. And shell fragments may damage their car, and the car is new, bought on installments to be paid off over four years, because how can you drive around town without a 4x4 jeep? So Israelis, first of all, will vote for the party that promises them successful peace talks.

What else? Well, firstly, the Israelis crave the stable economic growth of their individual families. They want, first of all, taxes to be reduced, first of all, prices to drop, and finally, first of all, salaries to increase. So without hesitating they will vote for the party that honestly, looking them in the eyes, promises them a redistribution of the budget, equal obligations for everyone and being able to switch from a cellular phone company to a cable television company without a fine for cancelling the newspaper subscription. That’s the first point.

But Israelis are highly spiritual people, who know that man does not live by challah alone, and so they feel sympathetic about the chance to vote for a party which first of all threatens to preserve the national face of the country, and first of all calls for Israel to be Jewish in essence, but Judaic in content. Israelis fondly remember the day of their bar/bat mitzvah, which their parents spent another two years paying for after a modest party, and are prepared to vote for a party which reminds them that a Judaist is a Jew to a Judaist, even if they are not always Halakha.

On top of all of this, Israelis, first of all, will not give up the liberated Judaic territories for the sake of any peace, and undoubtedly they will vote for a party of territorial unity.

And finally, Israelis like new faces that they haven’t seen on TV too much, and when choosing between the old and the new, first of all, they will choose new faces.

So that’s it, really, it’s not complicated at all: the Israelis will vote for a new party of security, peace, a stable economy and the Jewish state with its territorial integrity.

The problem is not that this party does not exist, and not even that it cannot exist, but that there are 15 parties, and each of them is advocating one of the points listed above. And even then they are usually lying. Let’s all go out to vote on 17 March!

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